


I Know You

by camichats



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, M/M, Not A Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 21:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8817229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: "When fifth year came around and Sirius found himself wanting to snog his best mate's face off, he said, "Prongs you're very fit."And that’s all it took for them." Telling Sirius and James's relationship from start to finish in snapshots.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Sleeping Beauty "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream."
> 
> (reposting from when this work was deleted)

There was very little that James and Sirius did not share with each other. Food, homework, pranks, all these things were normal between friends, especially ones as close as they were. They never lied to each other, they hadn't seen the point. If they were to try, the other would notice and ask about it, but this was conjecture because they never felt the desire to lie to their best friend. They talked about anything that came to mind with no filter, and no fear of judgement. 

So when fifth year came around and Sirius found himself wanting to snog his best mate's face off, he was laid on his bed, staring at nothing as James rifled through his own trunk, and simply said, "Prongs you're very fit." 

And that’s all it took for them. 

Peter didn’t notice, and Remus pretended that he didn’t after he walked in on them and asked how it happened once and the only reply he received were twin grins and shrugs. The rest of the school teased and joked with their housemates that the Black and Potter Heirs were more than friends, but no one truly believed it. James was constantly bothering Lily about dating him (an idea he and Sirius had since they needed a cover and Evans would  _ of course _ never give in), and Sirius was Sirius. Neither boy actually  _ dated _ . 

* * *

The fallout between Snape and Lily worried them for a few moments before they remembered that she was furious with them for what they did, and no more likely to say yes to James’s come-ons than she ever was. When Sirius told Snape about the Shrieking Shack and Remus was hurt, James was angry, but thoughts of leaving were some of the furthest from his mind. That summer when Sirius ran away, it was to the arms of a friend and a lover, though this didn’t make it any easier for him. 

James was undeniably scared for how both events affected Sirius. He had depression, and sometimes he was suicidal, but those times… It was too close. But as close as those times were, it was nothing compared to when James and Sirius fought and Sirius stormed out; this was the time when James slept with Lily and she ended up pregnant because both of them were too drunk and too upset to think of using any contraceptive charms, and they were just unlucky. He told Sirius and apologized over and over, hysterical and on the verge of shattering apart. 

Sirius cried and screamed and said things like, “How could you?” and “Did I ever mean anything or was I just easy?” When he collapsed to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably, James reached out a hand only to freeze when Sirius flinched. Even before Sirius said it, even before he said the words that would destroy James for the rest of his short life, James knew that there was no coming back from this for them. 

“ _ Don’t ever touch me again! _ ” Sirius had left then, without a second glance, choosing to be out in the middle of the night and possibly be attacked by Death Eaters than stay in the same space as James. James didn’t blame him. 

He came back to their flat the next day, looking a wreck. He officially broke up with James and moved all of his things to the room that had turned spare after they saw no need to be separate in their own home. Sirius broke down in tears later, wand thrown against the wall in rage as he repeated “It didn’t work, it didn’t work” to himself. He let James hold him, but not for long. He wiped off his face, retrieved his wand and muttered an apology to his ex-lover who understood with petrified horror what had almost happened. 

They didn’t talk about it. 

* * *

James and Lily decided to get married to protect her and the baby, but they didn’t tell anyone the reason why. Everyone was so happy to have a wedding ‘in these dark times’ that they couldn’t bring themselves to crush that. James didn’t try to explain himself to Sirius, simply asked if he’d be best man and godfather. They were acting like best friends again, so he said yes with no hesitation (that anyone but James could notice). 

During his wedding, James felt his heart skip a beat, but it wasn’t when he saw Lily in her dress, beautiful as she was. Sirius always made James’s heart perform strange acrobatics that would have felt disturbing in any other context, and this time…. James had wondered earlier how he would make the guests believe he was in love with Lily and that this was the best day of his life. The solution was simple: imagine this was his wedding to Sirius. After keeping this fantasy firm in his mind, his smiles were brighter, and so were Sirius’s as he was imagining the same. 

There was a small window of time between the wedding and the reception, a chance for the newly married couple to collect themselves before presenting themselves and taking their first dance. The groom was to spend this time with his best man, and the bride with her maid of honor. James did spend it with Sirius, but whatever the traditional actions or thoughts were, he doubted it was holding the hand of the person he loved more than anything, and thinking of all the mistakes that led you here, away from him. There was so much he could say, but it seemed wrong. ‘I love you’ might make Sirius mad. ‘I’m sorry’ definitely would. He settled for, “I don’t love her.” 

“I know,” he replied quietly. He pressed one final, soft, lingering kiss to James’s lips before stepping away and giving a trademark grin. “Ready to face the Missus?” 

* * *

Changing secret-keepers had seemed like such a good idea. In fact, when he first thought of it, he thought that this would certainly keep James and Harry and Lily safe to the end of the war. How could it not? 

Voldemort crashed into their home, and James yelled for Lily to grab Harry and run, hoping that against everything they could make it. Sirius would keep them safe. Turning to Voldemort, he realized he didn’t have his wand.  _ Prongs, one day you’re going to get killed just cause you can’t keep it in your pants _ , Sirius had said with a wink as he tucked James’s wand in his trousers. 

* * *

Sirius saw the ruined house and walked through numbly. Once he saw James’s body, nothing was numb for him. His skin was too cold, his eyes too blank, his nonexistent breath too quiet, and the memories too vivid: James crying looking broken and like his world was ending, James smiling, James looking at him with a flushed face and wide-blown pupils, and so many others as if Sirius’s mind was determined to make him feel this loss in the highest degree possible. 

He managed to slow his tears enough to have low visibility and standing when he heard Harry crying. Stumbling past the body-- he refused to think ‘corpse’-- and towards the nursery, he spotted James’s wand, lying forgotten on a table. He vaguely remembered making some quip about James dying if he couldn’t keep his wand on him. He had laughed back then. 

Sirius was arrested and surrounded by Dementors in Azkaban, but he hadn’t stopped laughing since Peter blew up the street. At first it was because he had trusted this man at some point, and not only did he betray James, he killed several Muggles to save himself. Then he was laughing because who would ever believe he was capable of betraying James? He knew he sounded unhinged but he couldn’t stop, and it was only after seeing the memory of James looking at him with such intense pain that Sirius stopped laughing and turned to crying. 

He only ever cried because of James, and that was fitting. 

* * *

Harry asked to know everything about his parents, but Sirius didn’t tell him, not really. He told him the story that the rest of the world knew, making Remus promise to let him handle it. He wanted Harry to think well of his father, and saying that he married without ever having loved Lily wouldn’t work. 

He’d tell him. But later. When he didn’t have to worry so much and when he found someone of his own to give his heart to, then Sirius would tell him. He hadn’t planned on dying. He’d given it a great deal of thought, of course-- who wouldn’t after being around Dementors for twelve years?-- but he had never actually thought it would happen for a while. 

He saw Harry’s face as he fell backwards into the Veil and apologized to James and to Harry, for leaving them when he should have been there. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr [@siriuslystarbucks](http://siriuslystarbucks.tumblr.com/)


End file.
